Holiday Cheer…or Holiday Fear
Managing Social Anxiety around the Holidays
Oh the holidays…the time of year to get together and celebrate with family and close friends. Then add in work parties, neighborhood gatherings, and large events with people you barely know and you have the perfect storm of pressure, worries, and dread for those with social anxiety.
You may feel tempted to skip everything (side note: It’s completely okay to say no to things that are not a priority. It becomes a problem when the only reason you’re skipping out is to avoid feeling anxious). Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to enjoy these moments instead of fearing them?
I’m not here to pretend that I’ve mastered social anxiety. In fact, that is very far from the truth. I still dread (and sometimes even avoid) certain social events too. But I have learned some tips and tricks to make these things feel a little less intimidating- and sometimes even enjoyable.
Anticipatory “Fun” (Anxiety’s Pregame)
For many, the wait leading up to the event is worse than the event itself. It can be full of questioning yourself:
What if I don’t wear the “right” thing?
What if I don’t have anyone to talk to?
What if everyone thinks I’m awkward or weird?
Sound like you? Try reminding yourself of a time when you felt this way and things turned out fine. Anxiety rarely predicts reality, instead it likes to focus on the “what ifs.”
Another thing that can help is going in with a game plan.
The Game Plan (Your Social Anxiety Party Playbook)
Go with someone you trust.
If you are close with someone who is attending, see if you can arrive together. If you’re comfortable with them, you may even consider telling them how you feel. You may be surprised- some of the most outgoing people struggle with social anxiety too.
Commit to a short stay.
Tell yourself you will only stay for an hour (or whatever amount of time you feel comfortable with) and then can leave if you hate it. This can reduce a lot of pressure and make the event seem less daunting.
Have some conversation starters in mind.
They don’t have to be anything fancy, just some ideas to fall back on.
How do you know the host?
What are your plans for the holidays?
Where did you grow up?
I love your [piece of clothing/accessory]! Where did you get it?
Try to avoid yes or no questions. Most people enjoy talking about themselves and taking an active listening role takes some of the pressure off you.
Give yourself permission to take breaks.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed it’s okay to step outside or go into the bathroom to take a few quiet moments alone.
Time for Rumination (The Afterparty No One Wants)
The aftermath of an event can also be challenging for those with social anxiety. Your anxiety causes you to replay every interaction and overanalyze every expression or comment to convince yourself that you “messed up.” Our brains like to trick us into thinking that this will help prevent “mistakes” in the future. But rumination is not problem solving, it just makes you feel more anxious. Here’s what to try instead:
Check the facts.
What evidence actually supports my fear?
What evidence goes against it?
Are there other explanations other than “I screwed up?”
Maybe the other person was tired, distracted, hungry, had a bad day, or was even anxious themselves. In reality, most people are more focused on their own thoughts and feelings to pay attention to our small social blunders, even if one did occur.
Write down what went okay.
Not even things that went well, just things that were fine. Even if the only thing you can think of is that you showed up, write it down to remind yourself that you can and you did.
Remember that thoughts and feelings are not facts.
Just because you THINK you messed up or seemed awkward does not mean you were.
And…
If the event really was as horribly uncomfortable as you feared, take a deep breath, give yourself credit for trying, and remind yourself that you won’t have to deal with that specific situation again for another year!
‘Tis the season to feel anxious! But at least we’re in it together.