When “Just Relax” Doesn’t Work: Why Anxiety Isn’t a Choice
Picture this: The year is 30,000 BC. You’re running through the jungle, clutching the very last of the food you spent days gathering. A jaguar is chasing you down and quickly gaining ground, as you near the edge of a cliff. Your heart feels like it is about to beat out of your chest, it feels like you can’t breathe, you suddenly get the chills and it feels as if every part of your body is on high alert as you desperately search for an escape.
Now fast forward to today:
You’re about to give a presentation but all you can think about is everything that may go wrong.
Your significant other texts you “We need to talk” then doesn’t reply.
You forgot about an assignment or deadline that is due today.
After endlessly editing your blog post, you hit publish and immediately start second guessing if you should have chosen a different topic or written it differently.
Different scenario, similar reaction: Your chest tightens, your heart is pounding, you feel like you might be sick or pass out, you’re sweating, and your brain is on high alert, trying to find an “answer” by thinking about all the worst-case scenarios that could happen.
Since it is no longer 30,000 BC, you call or text your friend. They suggest a novel, revolutionary idea that you have never even considered before: “Just relax.” Suddenly, your anxiety vanishes, leaving you with an overwhelming sense of calm….
It would be nice if it worked that way. But in reality, the harder you try to “turn off” your anxiety, the worse it may get. Today, I am going to explain why.
What Anxiety Is
Anxiety is our body’s way of telling us that we are in danger- great when you are being chased by a wild animal, not so great if your body perceives everything as a threat. It is a natural, biological response, hardwired into humans. Feeling anxious about temporary stressors is normal and even healthy. Without any anxiety, we would likely have difficulty assessing situations and taking appropriate actions.
For example:
If you did not have even a hint of anxiety about that big presentation, you likely would not feel motivated to prepare, as you would not care how it goes.
If you did not feel a bit anxious when your significant other texts “we need to talk” and then goes radio silent, you probably would not try to consider what the problem could be or try to fix it.
If you did not feel anxious about meeting a deadline, you probably would not try to prioritize and take the steps needed to complete tasks.
If I (oh sorry, you) did not feel some anxiety about the topic or writing style of a blog post, you would not take the time to make sure the information is accurate, relevant, or helpful.
Anxiety is an important signal that helps us pay attention, notice threats, take action, and respond when things don’t seem right. The tricky part? Our brains sometimes have a hard time realizing when a situation is not life threatening. It reacts the same way to a modern stressor- a presentation, relationship concerns, a deadline, or self-doubt- as it would if you were being chased by a predator. That’s why even small worries or uncertainties can trigger big reactions.
Why You Can’t Will It Away
Because anxiety is an evolutionary response, trying to suppress it or will it away will not work. It may help temporarily, but it will likely lead to rebound anxiety as soon as you stop actively trying to suppress your worries- and let’s face it, no one can “conceal, don’t feel” forever (shout out to Disney for the hidden life lessons!). When you try to push away your anxiety while the perceived threat is still present, you are essentially fighting your biology-something your brain is simply not designed to do. There is actual scientific evidence that the more you try to “turn it off” the worse it can get.
Why It Seems Like Other People Can
The people who seem that they can just “turn off” their anxiety don’t have a magical switch they are flipping. They are using different coping strategies (sometimes without even realizing it) or may have a different genetic predisposition that makes managing anxiety easier (research also supports this). Just like height can make someone a better basketball player but make it more difficult to sit comfortably on a plane, your genes can make it easier or more challenging to manage anxiety.
Even if you come from a long line of worriers- hope is not lost. There are still things that you can do to help manage your anxiety- but telling your brain to just stop is not one of them.
What Actually Helps
Acceptance
Instead of trying to fight your anxiety, welcome it! It sounds counterintuitive but simply noticing that your anxiety is there and accepting that you feel anxious instead of pushing it away can help. You can even try reframing it- instead of “I’m anxious” try saying “I feel anxious” or “I notice anxiety creeping in.” While it may seem like a small change it can create some space between you and the emotion you are experiencing which can make it easier to cope with.
Grounding techniques
You likely have heard of some of these- deep breathing, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (naming five things that you see, four that you feel, 3 that you hear, 2 that you smell, 1 that you taste- or 1 thing that you want to taste if you can’t taste anything).
Some lesser-known ones include:
Eating a sour candy (almost like a “shock” to your system that draws your attention away from anxious thoughts).
Trying to name something in a chosen category for each letter of the alphabet (pulls your brain from worry mode to problem solving mode).
Counting backwards from 100 by 7s (or really any number that causes you to think or requires focus).
Exposure
Facing your fears! As scary as they may seem, the more you face your fears the more you teach your brain that the situation is not a threat. (If you have severe anxiety or OCD, I recommend working on this with a trained professional).
Identifying and Reframing Cognitive Distortions
Often when we are anxious, we fall into “cognitive distortions” (essentially thinking patterns that make it challenging for us to view situations accurately). Once we recognize them, we can reframe and challenge them.
Common distortions and ways to reframe them are:
All or nothing thinking: “If I mess up one slide, the entire presentation is ruined.”
Reframe: “If I make a mistake, I can keep going and recover.”
Catastrophizing: “If I mess up this presentation I will lose my job/get kicked out of school and end up homeless and alone forever.”
Reframe: “No one is perfect- people make mistakes all of the time and are still successful.”
Should Statements: “I should never feel anxious about presenting.”
Reframe: “Feeling anxious is normal and shows I care about this, I can be anxious and still do well.”
Lifestyle Factors
Easier said than done, but we all probably know that getting good sleep, exercising regularly, minimizing caffeine and substance use, and eating well can help us feel our best and improve our ability to cope with anxiety. If this seems daunting, just pick 1 or 2 areas to focus on at a time.
Professional Help
A mental health provider can offer personalized guidance and help address underlying causes of anxiety- seeking help is a strength, not a weakness!
To Wrap It Up
While anxiety is not enjoyable, it is a natural, normal, and expected part of being human. Telling yourself to “turn it off” does not work and being anxious does not mean that you are not “normal” or that there is something “wrong” with you. The problem comes when anxiety takes the driver’s seat- it stops serving it’s intended purpose and starts preventing you from living your life the way you would like to. If that is what you’re experiencing, you are far from alone. While your anxiety will never completely disappear, with practice and support you can change the way you respond to it so you are the one in control.